I would not be around when you read this letter. Don't
get angry on me. I know some of you truly cared for me, loved me and
treated me very well. I have no complaints on anyone. It was always with
myself I had problems. I feel a growing gap between my soul and my
body. And I have become a monster. I always wanted to be a writer. A
writer of science, like Carl Sagan. At last, this is the only letter I
am getting to write.
I loved science, stars, nature, but then I loved people
without knowing that people have long since divorced from nature. Our
feelings are second handed. Our love is constructed. Our beliefs
coloured. Our originality valid through artificial art. It has become
truly difficult to love without getting hurt.
The value of a man was reduced to his immediate identity
and nearest possibility. To a vote. To a number. To a thing. Never was a
man treated as a mind. As a glorious thing made up of stardust. In very
field, in studies, in streets, in politics, and in dying and living.
I am writing this kind of letter for the first time. My first time of a final letter. Forgive me if I fail to make sense.
May be I was wrong, all the while, in understanding
world. In understanding love, pain, life, death. There was no urgency.
But I always was rushing. Desperate to start a life. All the while, some
people, for them, life itself is curse. My birth is my fatal accident. I
can never recover from my childhood loneliness. The unappreciated child
from my past.
I am not hurt at this moment. I am not sad. I am just
empty. Unconcerned about myself. That's pathetic. And that's why I am
doing this.
People may dub me as a coward. And selfish, or stupid
once I am gone. I am not bothered about what I am called. I don't
believe in after-death stories, ghosts, or spirits. If there is anything
at all I believe, I believe that I can travel to the stars. And know
about the other worlds.
If you, who is reading this letter can do anything for
me, I have to get seven months of my fellowship, one lakh and seventy
five thousand rupees. Please see to it that my family is paid that. I
have to give some 40 thousand to Ramji. He never asked them back. But
please pay that to him from that.
Let my funeral be silent and smooth. Behave like I just
appeared and gone. Do not shed tears for me. Know that I am happy dead
than being alive.
"From shadows to the stars."
Uma anna, sorry for using your room for this thing.
To ASA family, sorry for disappointing all of you. You loved me very much. I wish all the very best for the future.
For one last time,
Jai Bheem
I forgot to write the formalities. No one is responsible for my this act of killing myself.
No one has instigated me, whether by their acts or by their words to this act.
This is my decision and I am the only one responsible for this.
Do not trouble my friends and enemies on this after I am gone.
Here is the full Suicide note:
